I just want to know...

I find myself on the computer paying bills, checking email/facebook, attempting to check items off my to-do list when I quickly find myself google-ing. I start looking up information on mitochondrial disorders. Something I have done many times before. Every time hoping to find something new or some nugget of information that may pertain to my son. Today I desperately typed in the search engine, "no smile, hypotonia, dysphagia". These are all things Logan struggles with. I thought maybe today would be the day I find some other child on the Internet that looks like Logan and has the same struggles as him. Once again I hit a dead end. Actually not such a dead end, more confusion, more possible diagnoses. I actually had myself thinking, maybe my son has cerebral palsy. Then I read on and it really didn't apply to him. I thought, could it be that easy. How could the doctors miss cerebral palsy. Then I realized, even cerebral palsy isn't easy. Special needs are not easy. We all could find something about ourselves that is not easy but when it is your child struggling you feel so helpless.

A week ago I once again found myself doing mindless google-ing. I ended up on YouTube. I pulled up videos of children with mitochondrial disorders. I bawled my eyes out! Such courageous stories. I was once again searching the faces of the children for one like mine. I don't know why I torture myself with this quest. I am sure this is human nature, always needing an answer. Today I called Mayo Clinic, yet again in search of the answer. The woman on the phone told me the results were back from Baylor College and that she would put in a request for the doctor to call me. I did this a week and a half ago as well and still have not heard. I check the mail every day even if it is after an 11:30pm shift hoping the mailbox holds the key (Mayo tends to send letters instead of making phone calls, at least this is our experience). As of yet no magical answer.

I look at my child every day hoping today is the day he smiles or today is the day he sits on his own. By the end of each day I am defeated. I forget to see the other awesome things he does like whimper to me when I am folding laundry in an attempt to get my attention. Or like when he puts his head on my shoulder for a moment of rest. These are the moments to treasure. I do treasure them but then torture myself when I realize I didn't spend enough time holding him that day or didn't spend enough time practicing his therapies. That is when I feel like I am failing him. With Lauren it was all part of the normal day to day routine. With Logan there are many things we have to make a conscious effort to put into the schedule.

I know I will continue to search and will always struggle with "mother's guilt". I just hope that putting this down on "paper" so to speak will help me move quickly through the hard times and joyfully through the wonderful and magical ones. We may never have that answer, and I may always look at other children hoping for the answer but in the mean time I hope to enjoy every day and every milestone with my very special son. He is an angel on earth!