Emotions

It has been about two weeks since my last post and boy was it a doozy! It feels like years have passed in the matter of a couple of weeks. There has been little down time for this mama. I came down with a nasty week long virus the day of my last post. I remember lying in bed typing, with the chills, thinking "I hope I'm not getting sick".

I was down for the count for three days and forced myself to go to work despite the exhaustion I was fighting. It took a few more days to finally kick the crud. I look back amazed at how sick I was and realize there was a reason for my illness. My body and soul were in shock. All systems were in overdrive and my radiator finally overheated. I was forced to sit in the shop and recuperate! Wow, everything does happen for a reason and I firmly believe I was being sent a message. The full meaning has yet to be completely understood but the key points were taken under advisement!

It was torture laying in bed unable to hold my son for fear he would get sick. I wanted nothing more than to hold him close and never let go. Instead I fought the plague and laid in bed and on the couch running the events of the infamous doctors appointment that will forever be burned into my memory. My mind kept going to deep and dark places of worry. I began to attempt to plan for a future that I have no control over. It was pure torture. I forced myself to work in hopes of finding distraction.

I have had my moments of grief, despair, anger, sadness, and the list goes on. It comes and goes and often at the most unexpected times. The card aisle at Target is apparently a touchy place for me right now. At this moment, I think I feel at peace but am unsure if that is the right definition.

Deep down, for many many months I worried that my biggest nightmare would come true, that we would be told our child is dying. I have run the scenario through my head more times than I can count. I have no idea why I have tortured myself with that worry for so long. I guess I would rather be prepared for the worst.

Boy does this conversation sound unhealthy. Where is the hoping and praying, the wishing it was me not my child? Unfortunately my inner voice would not let me go to happy places where there is sunshine and rainbows. I knew something was wrong with my child and it was more than could be fixed.

So now I sit in this place where I do not cry everyday. I don't know if it is denial or acceptance. I do know that I have my moments and they are not pretty. They come when least expected. But I also have some wonderful moments of peace holding my child, savoring the small stuff. I look at him with such admiration. My love seems even stronger but my distance also seems greater. This place in between is so confusing.

I am so thankful for the outpouring of support from our friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers. I wish I could respond and send a thank you card for every kind thing that is said and every generous deed that is done. This would be impossible as the support has been so great. I want you all to know that Joel and I deeply appreciate all that has been done for Logan and our family. We are so blessed!

As for the near future, Logan sees a palliative care doctor in two weeks. We will discuss the future and learn how they can support us through the journey ahead. We will also meet with the neurologist and learn more details of how his brain is degenerating and what that may mean for his future.

In the meantime, Logan has been enjoying the beginning of our Minnesota summer with daily outings. We experienced lake Calhoun and can't wait to take a trip to the zoo and a Twins game. Watch for future posts about the Twins game as there is a great story behind this! Tonight he experienced a Minnesota evening...Mosquitos! Hopefully his nurse Cora and I took the brunt of the bites!

Stay tuned!