Night Shift

Tonight I have the pleasure to watch over Logan. Every night we are blessed to have a nurse care for him so that he can receive the care and monitoring he needs and so we can rest. Logan is a pretty busy kiddo in the wee hours of the morning. He does a great job getting to sleep but it does not last the whole night through. He generally wakes up in the middle of the night, thrashes about and then passes out again. He procedes to do this multiple times until morning. Every night varies. Some better than others. He requires frequent suctioning, vital signs monitoring, medications, and water flushes. 

I have my alarm set for three different times tonight to make sure I give meds, change and check equipment, and flush his feeding tube. I have a baby monitor next to my ear as I get ready to sleep on the couch outside his room. I explain all of these tasks so those who may not know can understand Logan's needs. I wish I could provide the care he needs at night without the help of nurses but it is impossible. I wish I could be the one to console and cuddle him when he is upset at night. 

Thankfully we have amazing nurses to help us. Without them, our family would be in disarray and live in zombie mode! Tonight, it's my turn to be his caregiver. I wonder what he will think when I show my face in the dark of the night! He apmay be scared at first seeing my wild hairdo! 

I have also pulled open my blog as I feel I need to put some feelings down on fake paper, aka the internet. I am a member of Facebook and I follow multiple pages and blogs mostly of parents and their children with special needs. I do this for many reasons and feel an odd connection to so many of these families. Tonight I learned of yet another kiddo that has gone to heaven. I am so deeply saddened. I have followed his journey the past few months and now sit here on the verge of tears. My heart aches for his family. 

I sit and reflect once again on my life and that of my son. The future cannot be predicted. We will all leave this earth someday, this I know. But why can't we all live a charmed life before our time comes. Why do some have to suffer while others carry on in happiness. I can say it is to teach us all, or that it is gods plan. But right now that doesn't help. I don't want to lose my son to his illness and I don't want another child to either, but this is extremely wishful thinking. 

So as I reflect on my feelings and pray for this little boys family I will watch over my son and give him all the love I have. Life is so short so I will continue to commit to being present in the moment and living the best life I can. 

Good night and god bless,

Rachel