It’s been a while

It’s been what feels like an eternity since I have blogged. The last post was announcing Logan’s passing. It will be a year this coming May and it’s already April. We have gone through the motions of the first year with many ups and downs. It’s been so far from easy. There are days where the grief slaps you in the face when waking up. Others on the drive to work. Sometimes right in the middle of the day when someone says something or you see something that is a reminder. Other days it is during the end of the day reflecting on something and he comes to mind.

Some of these moments are welcome as they are such a great reminder of such an incredible little boy. Other days it dredges up the really hard times and sometimes what feels like a traumatic experience. There are moments of pain, regret, anger, joy, appreciation and the list goes on. It is this insane roller coaster where you feel like someone else is in control and you are just on for the ride. 

I am still hanging on to the bar on the roller coaster with my belt securely fastened. Some days feeling it tighter than others but I’m still in. I wish daily that Logan was sitting right there next to me. He may not be here but he is here! My boy is still here in my heart and the heart of so many others! 

On to his next journey

Our dear Logan Michael passed away peacefully this morning May 27th at 12:20am. Joel, Lauren, myself and his grandparents were here to see him off on his next journey to heaven. Logan has left his mark on this world and will now be with loved ones awaiting him in heaven. He is now free and we are comforted knowing he will no longer be in pain. Our Bubba will be sorely missed but we know he is smiling down on us!!

Rough Evening

This evening Logan had a tough time. He has had a good couple of days of comfort and was mostly seizure free. Today he seemed quite alert and as the afternoon and evening went on his alertness turned to agitation. The seizures worsened and he required many extra doses of the versed drip. Our nurse had to call hospice as he exceeded the number of doses of versed that they would have wanted him to receive. Thankfully the doctor was contacted and the increased dose was ordered. The hospice nurse came and changed the dose and now he is very sedated. His oxygen level is pretty low right now but he is peaceful so we are going to let the medication clear his system a little bit. He's what we called "snowed"!

Today we changed his versed drip to a lower volume of fluid but the same dose. He was still on enough milliliters of fluid that it could sustain a person longer. We would love for him to live longer for our sakes but it is not fair for him. The change in volume will allow his body to rest as he continues his journey on earth. We know this change means things will begin to progress. My gut says we will see many changes this weekend. We saw more than I expected tonight but I trust that he is getting exactly what he needs to feel pain free. Logan does everything in his own time and his own way. He carves a unique path that you can't predict. We will continue to surround him with love as the days carry on knowing the next path for him will be full of light, joy, and freedom.

Goodbyes

This weekend we had many visitors. My sister, her fiancée and my niece and nephew came for the weekend and they left today. My grandma was also in town and was able to see Logan too. It was so hard to see them say goodbye to Logan. All I could think was that they are probably saying goodbye to Logan for the last time. I lost it. My heart was breaking. 

I'm going to miss Logan so much and I know so many other people will too. He's not just my son, he is brother, nephew, grandson, great-grandson, friend, and so much more. He is loved by so many. As people come in and out of our house so many memories are shared, tears are shed, and most of all love surrounds us all. 

It's like Logan is in this bubble of peace right now. He is resting so well. It is rare to see him awake. He still looks as handsome as ever with his soft skin, long lashes, and wild brown hair! When I hold him he feels thinner but when I nestle him in to my cheek it is still my bubba boy there. Somehow amidst all he is going through he can still comfort me. Soon he will be in heaven doing all the things we so wished for him on earth.