Feelings

So, my posts as of late have been few and far between. For good reason, Logan has been doing well. Knock on wood! He has adjusted well to his tracheostomy and has been able to remain at home when he has been ill. The trach has allowed us such easy access to his airway and his nurses watch him like a hawk. Every time he has any hint of an illness coming on, they bring out the full court press. He is so lucky to have such a great team of nurses.

Logan continues to work hard with therapy. He has lots of girlfriends (PT, OT, teacher, etc.). His endurance has improved and he is more interactive and attentive. He is less drugged up these days! He sees his physical medicine rehab doctor at the end of the month for a routine follow up. This doctor keeps an eye on his physical development. He makes sure his hips are working properly since he is not bearing weight. He watches the range of motion in his joints and makes sure Logan isn't having problems with contractures (when parts of the body such as the arms and legs tighten up). Otherwise the medical side of things is being managed well at this time.

For those of you in the Minnesota region, our friends and family are putting on a benefit for Logan on March 2nd. Check out a recent blog post of mine for details. There will be a ton of awesome auction items and lots of activities for kids. We are so lucky and thankful for all the support of Team Logan.

And now to what really got me to post to the blog tonight at 2am! Of course Logan updates are always important. I mean, isn't this blog about him! Well, it is about Logan as well as our journey as a family and with that comes my own commentary!

It is hard to put this out there but I think it's time. I know some people will have a hard time reading this. I have had this building fear of death and more specifically, that of my child. I am scared every day that his time on earth may be short. Unfortunately this comes with the territory of having a child with special needs, undiagnosed, with no clue what his future will hold. We just don't know, I hear so many stories of children with developmental delays who "grow out of it". We know Logan will not just spontaneously get better. It isn't that easy. And with him being so medically complex, it just adds one more component to complicate things.

So, I am scared. I worry, and sometimes to a fault. These days my emotions are raw. It may be the winter weather or just my body and spirit still trying to heal from what we went through in November. I am doing my best to manage how I feel and work through it one day/situation at a time. It isn't always easy but I thought it was time for me to really be honest. I know I have written about the fears I have as Logan's mom. This fear of losing Logan makes me feel less of a mom. I feel weak and feel like I am not keeping the positive attitude that he deserves.

I am sure reading this, many of you are shaking your heads in disagreement with my statements. Yes, I am a good mom and my fears should not make me less than what he deserves. But like I said, these are my feelings and boy it sucks to have them. I know I will always worry about Logan's future,. I am his mom, I kinda have a front row seat in his life. I just hope the rawness of these emotions will be easier to manage. I don't like to cry in front of people and I sure as heck don't want to show weakness. Sounds a little silly, doesn't it? I guess I am stubborn like that.

Thank you for reading this post. I do my best to put the truth of our journey out there and do as little censoring as possible. It is like peeling away an onion one layer at a time. I am peeling away parts of our journey as a family and along the way that onion causes a few stinging tears