This momma had two meltdowns today. Ugh! I started bawling when I arrived at the hospital today. My sister Chelsea stayed the night with him last night and I came to the hospital about two hours after she left. I walked in and Logan was laying in the bed appearing upset. His eyes were open, his face was crinkled in a way only Logan could, and he was moving as much as a child in wrist restraints could. By the way, the restraints are to keep him from disconnecting the ventilator, not as a means to torture!
I was not upset at the nurses. They were doing everything they could. I was upset with myself for leaving him last night and for not being there sooner. My sister Chelsea was a wonderful replacement. It was not her that was the issue. I always feel guilty for leaving Logan.
Once Logan calmed, I found that they had weaned his versed drip off and he only remains on morphine. That is awesome but at the same time scary. As I have eluded to many times, Logan is a wiggle worm! He is like Houdini! He can get into all sorts of trouble!
So now my child is awake. I have been waiting over two weeks for this but now he is showing emotions. It is so hard to not feel like you can console your child. I can't hold him yet. His trach is too fresh and tender. All I can do is stroke his head, hold his hands, and talk in my non soothing mommy voice! This is so hard. I just want to take him home.
I knew this time would come and I knew this was going to be the toughest next step. Getting better isn't always easy. It takes a lot of work to manage all the tubes and wires as well as maintain a clear airway. Logan, you are giving mommy a run for her money.
We are also having to share our nurse with another patient. That is always hard. I have a hard time knowing when to ask for help. I may be a nurse, but tracheostomies are not my strong suit by a long shot! I am still learning the nuances to his trach. So at shift change a couple staff members came in to move Logan to a crib. He started in a crib, then to a bed with a scale, and back to a crib with a scale today. The nurse told me that was the plan today. Ok, no problem. At least I thought.
They came in, scooped him up and rocked his world. Not in a good way. I am not sure if the nurse helping knew how fresh his trach site is. The way she held him put him in a lot of pain. Lets just say, I was a little pissed off. He was shaking afterwards and was full of secretions. I had to ask for pain meds. I was almost shaking myself. I think I have done a good job at stepping back and giving up control. In that moment, I just about lost it and immediately took control. After they all left I spent a few minutes having a good cry. I was upset at how the transfer went and I felt horrible for my son. Things are better now and the scooper upper has moved on.
Right now we are in a peculiar spot with Logan's recovery. He is getting better but the pain and discomfort make it seem like he is worse. It is so deceiving. Like I said, getting better isn't always easy. We will continue on the path of healing knowing that in the near future, this momma will be able to hold her son and soon after, take him home! Until then, we manage, and sometimes cry!
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